And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
