I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
