I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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