theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
