I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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