I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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