I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
