Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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