And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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