if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is Oprah even human
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
