There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
