the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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