we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
