No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
