When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
