A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
