Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Are my feet made of real feet?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
