how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
