I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
