at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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