what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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