Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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