I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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