You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
