Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
