I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
