god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
