My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
