My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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