just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
