walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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