Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
