is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
