im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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