I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
