Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
