i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
