i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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