Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
