Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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