Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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