Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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