ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
