you have to choose: penises or morals?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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