Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
