I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
