Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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