How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
