I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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