Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
